I have recently met with two very impressive divorce lawyers who work under the code of conduct of "Resolution" and work towards helping people through the divorcing process as easily as possible, I will post more details of who they are and how I will be contributing to what they offer later.
In the meantime here is an article you might find interesting on "Collaborative Law and Life coaching"
Collaborative Law and Life Coaching – what do they have in common?
A beginner's guide to collaborative law and life coaching
"Chalk and cheese or peas in a pod?"
Life
coaching and collaborative law have a number of things in common - not
least they are both fairly new kids on the block, they both aim to
enrich clients at the crossroads in their lives and are also cut from
the same cloth in that they focus on adding value through client led
agendas and client focused work.
This article will seek to explore the symbiotic nature of the two professions and the possibilities for mutual enrichment and optimisation of client benefits when the two disciplines merge.
So what is life coaching within a divorce context?
As with the collaborative process, life coaching began in America in the 1980s as professionals sought to “mind the gap” between psychotherapy and counselling and supporting people in leading fulfilled lives. There are millions of people leading successful lives for whom psychotherapy/counselling are not appropriate. That still holds true within the trauma that is divorce or separation. Even when such divorce or separation is mutually agreed upon, very strong deflecting emotions can surface unexpectedly, impacting on the client’s level of functioning, their self esteem and sense of self worth.
There are many misconceptions about life coaching, both within public perception and of course within professional fields. It is not about somebody who “knows better than you” telling you how to live your life and what is best for you and neither is it counselling or therapy. The first rule of coaching is that clients don’t need fixing. However, when decisions on the various issues thrown up by divorce have to be made against a backdrop of a tumult of high emotion, some clients can feel overwhelmed and need assistance and support in moving forward to the next chapter of their lives.
When contemplating the introduction of a coach as an option for our clients to consider during the collaborative process, as lawyers we may have to quell some of our own preconceptions about the coaching profession and address the uninformed view, that to have someone work with a coach there must be something wrong, either with the situation or the person or in fact both. A useful metaphor to overcome this mindset might be that of an Olympic athlete - when Linford Christie was winning gold medals he didn’t fire his coach - he was the fastest man in the world and he wanted to be faster so he carried on working with a professional with a third person perspective whose only agenda was to let him motor to his full potential - a coach.
So the coach is someone who is there just for the client - enabling facilitation allowing them to ponder in a clear and free way. The coach can be completely objective and enable the client to work through emotional struggles which in turn will help the client work through the facts and figures and the way ahead with the lawyer in a clear and high level functioning state. The coach will help the client focus their energy and build their resources to such a level that they can engage in the collaborative process with clarity and focus, working to achieve a positive outcome and face the future in a managed way.
So how does life coaching work?
Coaching occurs either face to face or over the telephone. It can take place in collaborative four ways or away from the table. Both methods can be equally successful and are determined mostly by personal preference and/ or the physical location of coach and client venue.
The
coach works with the client so that both gain a clear understanding of
the current situation and also the desired outcome. It is a case of
“where are we”, “where do we want to be” and critically “how do we get
there”. Again, not so different from collaborative process. The coach
will use their skills to create an environment where the client can
explore all the options available to them and choose paths of action
which will lead to a successful outcome and more fulfilling life.
During
the coaching partnership the client will gain a better understanding of
their own motivation, their patterns of behaviour and also learn to
influence their own internal monologue. This is critical within the
collaborative model to ensure that there is around the table the
highest functioning version of the client as oppose to a client swamped
by his “shadow client” or “her inner saboteur”.
Coaching is not
for the faint of heart. A good coach will take the client well beyond
their comfort zone and challenge them to be truly accountable and
empowered in their own post separation life. Again, not so different
from collaborative. A life coach is not a sympathetic ear or a best
friend you pay. Coaches will tell clients when they are kidding
themselves. When was the last time someone told you the undiluted
truth in service of your own agenda?
Coach and client will talk typically two or three times a month and such dialogues can be interspersed with the four-way meetings with clients taking actions to be completed by the next session. As indicated sometimes the coach accompanies the client to the four way though this may be uncommon in this country.
Some typical questions (of the thousands) which a coach will use to establish values and move clients into positive action are:
- What’s important to you?
- What’s missing in your life which would make it more fulfilling?
- What do you value in your relationships with others?
- Where do you want to make a difference with your life?
- What are you committed to?
- What needs to change?
A coach will work with a client so that they can create their future from possibility rather than circumstance.
So what are the benefits of life coaches and collaborative lawyers working in partnership.
Well what we have in common is certainly stronger than potentially what may divide us. Family lawyers are frequently working with clients who are at crossroads and unsure how to proceed - locked into doubt and uncertainty or impasse, frustrated and vulnerable - working towards decisions as to their future may be impeded by the high level of emotions in play. A life coach can unlock that impasse for the client and assist them in moving forward into a changed role working through the paradigm shift. The life coach can add value to the collaborative process.
You are beginning to convince me there may be a role to play here for some clients so what should I look for in a coach?
Whilst a relatively new profession, not currently enjoying the rigorous regulations of many other professions, choosing a coach should be led by the client and if felt appropriate then a referral could be made. What you should look out for is someone who has been professionally trained and ideally holds an International Coaching Federation recognised qualification.
Life coaching is a valuable support tool for clients and collaborative lawyers. The skills and professionalism of the coach will enable the clients to make empowered decisions about their future, discarding any emotional baggage which is impeding the progress of the collaborative process. One step forward might be to encourage divorce coaches to join your collaborative pod or practice group and learn a little more about how the two disciplines can work together to the benefit of our shared client base.
“Healing is not only a matter of time but also a matter of opportunity”
Hippocrates
About the authors:
Liz Tait is a family lawyer with Irwin Mitchell and a mediator and collaborative lawyer
Simon
Ireland-Davies CPCC is a professionally trained and certified Coach, a
member of the International Coaching Federation and a director of ID
Coaching Limited. www.id-coaching.co.uk
