Divorce with Dignity

Are you being manipulated by media hype?

If you read my blog of yesterday, not for one moment did I think that the child seen in Morocco was missing Maddie McCann. Yet every news bulletin was infused with excitement and possibility.  Yes I can understand why this might happen, but I still think it is a manipulative and often unhealthy relationship that the media forces on us.

Peoples' lives are disrupted and made more difficult by the ever increasing need for sensationalism.  How much of what we read do we believe, how much do we want to believe and how do we continue to be duped and directed by reporters who have their own interest at heart. We know that bad stories sell newspapers. Whata doyou think the reason for that is?

When we read about celebrities who are in the midst of a relationship crisis we are fed details that are unlikely to be true and there seems to be an ever ending need by the public to read much rubbish and put up with it.

I wonder what would happen if we started to respond negatively to the stories, long since passed, ie the Diana story, why are the papers still insistent on keeping it alive and speculating about her relationships and what they were about.  If Diana had led the life of a quite, retiring from publicity, a single mother who lived only for her children, then she would have faded from our awareness by now.

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Is falling out of love a good enough to leave a marriage if there are children?

There are many reasons why couples split up and go their separate ways.

• Growing apart
• Falling out of love
• Falling in love with someone else
• No common goals
• Children left home
• Infidelity
• Mental cruelty
• Physical violence

to name a few of the reasons I have heard, of course nowadays, divorcing couples do not have to prove fault, as most marriages are about irrevocable breakdown.

In this world of rapid living do we give up too soon, do we too often think that the grass is greener and that it is easier to start again with someone else or on our own to really take the time to make an effort.

I have no doubt that if there is physical or mental violence a marriage should be ended, even if there are children involved, but with 20 million people being affected by divorce are we giving up on relationships too soon and moving on.

Do you have more virtual relationships than real ones?

Driving to a networking meeting this morning at the crack of dawn, I began to think about how easy it would be to stay at home and communicate with people only on my computer, would I, in fact, ever need to leave my home if I decided to become a recluse.

To be truthful I can't think of anything that I would need to go out for, if I decided that I wanted to live a virtual life.  Now that really woke me up, I can't imagine life without meeting flesh and blood people and I am wondering how long I would actually last if I decided to live in a virtual world. 

How long would it take for me to simply find that people were tiresome and I really prefer to have little discussions, with unknown people who I can pretend I do know, and I can literally switch them of if I get bored or no longer wish to communicate with them.

Now I have to think about whether I want to have a go and if so what would I need to do to prepare myself for it.

Missing and lost children! Can sometimes be in our midst.

I cannot imagine what it must be like to lose a child, whether through an accident, an illness or it just simply disappears.  Many teenagers and unfortunately adults just take off one day and are never heard of again, I don't even what to think about what that might be like for the parents and loved ones of these missing people.

I have a robin in my garden, who shouts at me for food when the feeders are not to his liking, in 1979 when my father died, Iwent walking in the Lakes with a very good friend and a robin hopped out of the long grass onto the sleeve of my jacket, and throughout the day in each place I walked I noticed a robin, or should I say a robin made sure I noticed it.

So the outcome of that was robins became a representation of my dad, for many years my garden only had one robin, however since my mum died the day after the sunami aged 94 there have been two together in my garden.

Stick with me there is a point to this, I realise that I really did not know my parents, I did not really know what were their hopes and dreams, or who they were, they were my parents and I never looked beyond thatg.

Last weekend my daughter and her half brother were talking about their dad and it became clear that neither of them really know him, it is possible that he does not really know them either.

I miss my parents, and I did not really know them, I did not have a strong relationship with them, that was not how parenting was in the 40's and 50's it is only since the late 70's that parenting became a focus and mums and dads began to think about their relationship with their children.

It is oftenonly when our children or parents are sick or not around that we fully appreciate the place they fillin our hearts, and sometimes that is too late.  We remember the times we were angry or upset, when we had those big or small arguements.

How often do we remember the times we felt really loved and appreciated, really seen and noticed and how often do we offer that to others who are close to us.

Call me sentimental, I would call myself someone who has woken up, smelt the coffee and wish I had done things differently, both with my parents and my child.
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How does your spending or collecting things, mirror your intimate relationships?

Divorce with Dignity, find out more.

I am looking at the news again this morning and very pleased to see that Kate and Jerry McCann have renewed their search for missing Madelaine, I deeply want them to show themselves to be loving parents who have been wrongly portrayed in the media. 

Amongst all the rumours and gossip perpetrated, mostly in the press, in the face of little concrete evidence, many of us are talking about them and this missing little girl, and I am glad they have decided to move forward in their search, without being impinged by the bullies that so run our life.

The other story which is running through the news in the problems with Northern Rock and I started to wonder how people's relationship with money, mirrored their relationship with people, both are about how we relate.

It was my daughters 37th Birthday yesterday and she was out on the shopping and spending trail, as soon as the shops were open, looking for something (a new jacket) that she probably did not need but desired and wanted.

I am struck with the need for collecting things having more and more stuff and excess, how many white tee shirts does anyone need in their wardrobe, how many people do you know that dress entirely in black with a smattering of white and continue to buy items to supplement an already bulging black wardrobe.

How many people do you know who have so many nick nacks that dusting can take several hours a week, how much do these people really enjoy each item, really value each item, really appreciate each item, my guess it is the searching and purchasing that gives the adrenaline rush, and then when the item is purchased the next adrenaline rush becomes the desire, not really the item itself.

When our wardrobe becomes full to overflowing do we throw something out or do we keep cramming more stuff in. When our homes are full to bursting with things that are not really needed or appreciated what is the tipping point when things get thrown out or moved to the loft.

In our relationships are we seeking the excitement of the search and the falling in love, are we trying to cram a lifetime into the first 6 months are we expecting too much and then just like our clothes, just like our things we no longer appreciate or enjoy what we have but start to look for something else.

In times past,as long as there was enough money to put food on the table and have one 2 week holiday a year, then people thought they were doing very well indeed. People got wealthy by living within their means and saving some of what they generated.  I am not suggesting that we take a retrograde step back to those times, I just wonder how more pleasure and enjoyment can be achieved through things that do not mean money has to be spent.

We seem to want an excess of everything, 4 or more holidays a year, more food and drink is thrown out on a regular basis from most households creating an excess and overflowing of landfill sites.

We are living in an increasingly in a world "Get it now" Get it fast" then throw it away when it is no longer fulfilling the purpose it was meant to fulfill.

We have become a little like that in our relationships, find someone, fall in love fast, if it is not fulfilling  fade it out and find someone new.

The cycle of hope and desire start again, (this pair of black trousers will make me look thinner, sexier, better about myself) and often the pattern is repeated. So I think that many of us have a similar relationship to spending and collecting to the one we have  in our intimate relationships!

At what point will we start to realise that happiness and joy, is not produced from outside, but is produced internally

How many lives do you think are touched by separation or divorce in the U.K.?

It might surprise you to know that if you count, children, parents, step-parents and step children, the latest research undertaken by Fathers Direct estimates the number is reaching 20 million individuals, who are in some way caught up in the drama of separation or divorce.   We can be of help

If you have already been touched by the break up of a relationship, you will know the emotional heartache that everyone in the situation has had to deal with.  Whether it is a friend or relative, who has been a shoulder to cry on, or your children or ex partner who has received the brunt of your unhappiness, hurt or anger, someone close to you will have been involved in part of your experience.

If you personally have not been through the experience of a break up, you may have been the shoulder to cry on and been in some way emotionally touched by someone close who has been hurt by a relationship break up.

No one knowingly goes into a relationship thinking that it will all end. Relationships often fail because someone has not fulfilled a perceived agreement, whether fully discussed or not. Lack of communication and updating of needs and wants within a relationship is part of the reason why so many relationships are breaking up.

I think that is should be a lot harder for people to either live together or get married.  I was listening to a radio program today on pre-nuptial agreements in the U.K. and there was someone on the program who was getting married to someone who, wanted to stipulate how the money should be divided if one person was unable to work.  Now that to me would be a big clue that there was not enough love and concern.  After all if I was married to someone who got sick I would want to be in a position to take care of them physically, emotionally and financially, perhaps I see the world through rose tinted lenses. Partnership seems to be missing from relationship.

When people are going through a relationship break up, what they need to help them get through it is someone who is impartial, someone who is objective and someone who can keep them remain calm and focussed on the journey they are about to embark on, whether chosen or forced on them.

Someone who can make sure they are making the right choice  and taking into account, all they they will loose, not to mention the financial cost, it is worth remembering that the pot of money they have both been living on, will  have to be separated out and divided into two much smaller pots.
 

Financially, separation or divorce makes no sense, if there is any possibility that the relationship can be rescued, that route needs to be explored fully and exhaustively before any final decision is made. 

Separation and divorce are usually the result of emotional or physical withdrawal or betrayal, which needs to be handled very carefully for everyone concerned.

Contact divorcewithdignity@mac.com for help with your relationship

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